My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
