You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The uberlube is also flammable
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
