Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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