I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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