I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
