Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
