i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
why is half of my head shaved?
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