So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I can text with my tongue
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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