I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
