Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
