I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
