youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
