He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
