Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
