Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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