It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
