Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
