wrigley field is MILF paradise
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
