I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
