I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So much Jack, so little girl.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
