Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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