Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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