Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
