So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You can't special order awesome
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
