Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
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he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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