woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
