i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
