I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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