If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Randomize
