I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
