1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
