I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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