Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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