Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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