If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
They are going to name an STD after you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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