I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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