im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
