Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
