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OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
