I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
