mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
