Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize