Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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