Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
