I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
