so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Blood and glitter go together right?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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