i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I look better un-naked...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
