He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
