Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
