if i can run in heels then i can drive
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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