Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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