I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
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my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
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I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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