you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
