last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
